NEW YORK — The NBA announced Wednesday that all games will now feature a fifth quarter, giving struggling teams an additional 12 minutes to figure out what went wrong during the first four.
Commissioner Adam Silver unveiled the change following years of complaints from coaches who insisted their teams were "still figuring things out" despite having an entire training camp, preseason, and 48 minutes of actual basketball.
"We've heard the concerns," Silver said in a fictional statement. "Some teams need more time to develop chemistry. Others need more time to learn the defensive scheme. A few are apparently meeting each other for the first time during introductions."
The new period, officially called the **Adjustment Quarter**, will begin immediately after the fourth, regardless of the score.
Teams trailing by 30 will receive an opportunity to explain that they're actually better than the scoreboard suggests.
Coaches will also be permitted to request a six-minute "We're Almost There" timeout, during which they can remind players to communicate on defense, move the basketball, and demonstrate basic professional competence.
The league expects particularly enthusiastic participation from rebuilding franchises, whose five-year plans can now be completed approximately 25% faster.
Winning teams have protested the change, arguing that defeating an opponent in four quarters should remain sufficient evidence of superiority.
Silver dismissed those concerns.
"We're not changing the fundamentals of basketball," he explained. "We're simply giving everyone more time to establish an identity."
The NBA is reportedly already considering a sixth quarter for teams that still need to watch the film.
**Games will now last 60 minutes. The excuses remain unlimited.**
