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TRADE MACHINE CRIMES

Impossible packages, protected picks and transactions rejected by the salary cap, common sense and occasionally mathematics.

Satirical Bulls practice scene showing Buddy Hield sitting beside a literal stack of cash occupying its own bench seat.

TRADE MACHINE CRIMES

Chicago Acquires Buddy Hield and Cash, Plans to Give Cash Meaningful Bench Minutes

The Bulls say both incoming assets will have a chance to earn rotation time, though Cash may already have the cleaner positional fit.

Satirical editorial image of Milwaukee basketball staff and players staring at a complicated war-room table while trying to solve a roster equation.

TRADE MACHINE CRIMES

Bucks Replace Giannis With Entire Trade Package, Ask Math Department If Five Players Equal One Giannis

Milwaukee’s early calculations confirm the roster now contains more people. Whether that solves the main problem remains under review.

Satirical editorial image of a young basketball star arriving on a rainy airport tarmac beside a private jet and shrugging at his destination.

TRADE MACHINE CRIMES

Ja Morant’s “They Sent Me to Portland, Man” Immediately Becomes Blazers’ Unofficial 2026-27 Slogan

Portland may have accidentally found its entire marketing campaign in one stunned sentence from its newest star.

Satirical editorial image of a fan proposing three bench players for one superstar in a basketball trade machine.

TRADE MACHINE CRIMES

Trade Machine User Sends Three Bench Players For MVP Candidate, Labels Deal “Honestly Pretty Fair”

The proposal works financially, which the author believes should end all further discussion.