BENCH MOB
Grizzlies Solve Crowded Roster by Remembering They Are Allowed to Waive People
Memphis discovers a remarkably efficient way to turn 19 standard contracts into slightly fewer standard contracts.
GAME TIME
Actual games occurred. We have questions.
ONE OF THOSE GAMES
Pacers Welcome Tyrese Haliburton Back by Immediately Resuming Basketball at Unsafe Speeds
Indiana promised to ease Haliburton back in, then completed three possessions before the sentence was finished.
ONE OF THOSE GAMES
Rockets Add Marcus Smart to Practice, Accidentally Invent Full-Contact Basketball
Houston’s first scrimmage ended with everyone committing a foul at the same time and nobody willing to call it.
ONE OF THOSE GAMES
Knicks Finally Win Title, Immediately Price Mayor of New York Out of Building
After a 53-year wait, New York has achieved the rare championship celebration even City Hall may need financing to attend.
MORAL VICTORIES
Team Trailing By 34 Announces It Has Entered Important Player-Development Portion Of Evening
The coaching staff says the result is secondary now that everyone involved has stopped pretending otherwise.
BLOWN LEADS
Team Protects 19-Point Lead By Immediately Stopping Everything That Created It
With the game under control, the offense wisely abandoned movement, pace, and all previous sources of success.
BLOWN LEADS
NBA Team Completes 22-Point Comeback After Opponent Begins Thinking About Postgame Dinner
The turning point arrived when the leading team mentally transitioned to appetizers with 9:14 remaining.
CRUNCH TIME
Player Hits Buzzer-Beater, Instantly Forgiven For Previous 47 Minutes Of Basketball
One shot erased six turnovers, nine misses, and several possessions the crowd had agreed never to mention again.
BENCH MOB
Bench Player Scores 11 Points In Garbage Time, Agent Adds “Elite Closing Ability” To Résumé
The production came against four reserves and a center who had already removed his ankle tape.
STAT LINE DEPARTMENT
Center Finishes With 4 Points, 19 Rebounds, 8 Assists And Somehow Controls Entire Game
The box score looks accidental until you notice his team won every minute he stood near the paint.