FILM ROOM SCIENCE
Lu Dort Begins Emotional Preparation for First Career Assignment Against SGA’s Ankles
Facing Shai for the first time apparently requires film study, emotional closure and several labeled tapes devoted entirely to ankles.
HOOPS SCIENCE
Peer-reviewed basketball research, pending peer review.
BUILT DIFFERENT
Giannis Antetokounmpo Refuses to Guard Iguana After Discovering It Has Excellent Lateral Quickness
Miami’s newest star has discovered that South Florida contains at least one defensive assignment Milwaukee never prepared him for.
BUILT DIFFERENT
SOURCES: LeBron James Officially Stops Fighting Father Time, Begins Treating Him as Rival
Father Time remains undefeated. LeBron has requested a rematch.
BUILT DIFFERENT
Hornets Discover Both Kon Knueppel and Grant Williams Have Hamstrings, Immediately Lose Access to Them
Charlotte’s preseason plan has been updated to include locating everyone else’s hamstrings before anything happens to those too.
BASKETBALL PHYSICS
Jazz Hand Darryn Peterson Keys to Rebuild, Remind Him He Is Still Too Young to Rent a Car
Utah trusts its 19-year-old rookie with the future of the franchise, but the rental counter remains unconvinced.
FILM ROOM SCIENCE
JJ Redick Introduces Fellowship-Based Offense, Says Nobody Wins Championship Alone Except Maybe Gandalf
The Lakers coach is reportedly using a Tolkien-adjacent strategy board to explain how Luka and company must survive the quest together.
FILM ROOM SCIENCE
Sixers Begin Training Camp, Introduce Revolutionary Four-Ball Offense
Philadelphia has finally solved the problem of getting LeBron, Embiid, Jaylen Brown and Maxey enough touches: simply use four basketballs.
ADVANCED NONSENSE
Cavaliers Scientists Confirm Donovan Mitchell and James Harden Can Both Have the Ball, Just Not at Same Time
Cleveland researchers made the breakthrough after months of work and one uncomfortable review of the rulebook.
HOOPS TECH
Magic Build Holographic Offense to Determine Exactly How Much Shooting Paolo Banchero Needs
Orlando ran thousands of simulations. Every one eventually returned the same recommendation: more spacing.
ADVANCED NONSENSE
Suns Put Devin Booker in Laboratory, Attempt to Engineer Fifth Completely Different Supporting Cast
Phoenix believes the latest experiment may finally create roster stability, pending the next trade rumor.
BUILT DIFFERENT
Study Finds Zion Williamson’s Offseason Transformation Has Now Become Annual Scientific Event
Researchers say the yearly cycle of gym photos, body-composition analysis and ‘best shape of his life’ reports is now predictable enough to chart.
BASKETBALL PHYSICS
Luka’s New Stepback Sends Defender Into Next Season
League officials are reviewing whether creating three months of separation should still count as a normal basketball move.
ADVANCED NONSENSE
New Advanced Metric Finally Confirms Player You Already Liked Is Extremely Good
Researchers say the formula has achieved the highest standard in basketball analytics: agreement with your existing opinion.
FILM ROOM SCIENCE
Fan Rejects 14 Years Of Data After Watching Player Miss One Layup
The miss provided a level of clarity unavailable in thousands of possessions, playoff series, and career statistics.
ADVANCED NONSENSE
NBA Analytics Department Discovers Teams Score More Efficiently When Ball Goes In Basket
The finding could reshape offensive strategy if coaches can successfully implement the difficult concept.
FILM ROOM SCIENCE
Shot Chart Reveals Player’s Preferred Shooting Zone Is Apparently “Wherever Defender Isn’t”
Analysts were surprised to discover open space remains one of basketball’s most efficient locations.
ADVANCED NONSENSE
Researchers Develop First Reliable Aura Metric, Immediately Rank Bench Player 11th In NBA
The proprietary model measures confidence, walk-up music, camera presence, and unexplained group-chat influence.
STATISTICAL ANOMALIES
Fan Uses Player’s Last 11 Minutes Of Basketball To Settle Five-Year Debate
A 4-for-5 shooting stretch has finally rendered several seasons of conflicting evidence unnecessary.