PRESS ROW
Anthony Edwards Welcomes LaMelo Ball to Minnesota, Immediately Refuses to Let Him Drive
Minnesota’s new backcourt is already clicking, provided nobody asks Anthony Edwards to get in the passenger seat.
THE SIDELINES
Media, fans, history, lore, places, broadcasts, and everything happening around the basketball.
PRESS ROW
Stephen A. Smith Begins Segment at Normal Volume, Producers Immediately Check Microphones
ESPN staff briefly feared a technical emergency after Stephen A. opened with what witnesses described as an indoor voice.
ON AIR
Jalen Brunson Takes Knicks to SNL, Still Somehow Ends Up Running the Offense
New York’s trip to Saturday Night Live reportedly became another group project with Brunson directing traffic by the second rehearsal.
ON AIR
NBA Announces Fans Can Watch Every Game With Just Six Subscriptions and One Cousin’s Password
The league says its new viewing experience is simpler than ever, assuming you have six subscriptions, three logins and a cooperative relative.
ON AIR
Ben Simmons Announces “Being Ben,” Finally Takes the Shot Everyone Was Waiting For
Sacramento has welcomed Simmons and, with great emotion, reportedly watched him take the most anticipated shot of his career.
LEAGUE LORE
Celtics Confirm Future Players May Soon Be Required to Wear Fractions
Boston has retired so many numbers that team meetings now reportedly include decimals, fractions and mild panic.
ON AIR
ESPN Successfully Completes Annual ‘Make Everyone Angry in a Different Way’ Rankings
Every fanbase has found a different place on the list to take personally.
HOOPS GEOGRAPHY
NBA Introduces New Scheduling Model Where West Coast Road Trip Lasts Roughly Until Retirement
Seven cities, four time zones and one road trip long enough for players to forget what their own beds look like.
THE ARCHIVES
NBA Opens Time Capsule From 2001, Finds 14 Mid-Range Jumpers And One Extremely Large Cell Phone
League archivists uncover a mysterious civilization from before podcasts, tracking data and same-game parlays.
ON AIR
Offseason Debate Show Asks Whether Current Superstar Could Survive Era In Which Television Was Square
With no games to debate, television turns to the most important question in basketball: could modern stars survive standard-definition footage?
PRESS ROW
NBA Analyst Announces Bold Offseason Prediction, Plans To Delete It By November
The prediction is fearless, definitive and safely scheduled to disappear before anyone starts checking receipts.
THE TIMELINE
NBA Fans Release Definitive 2026-27 Power Rankings Five Weeks Before Anyone Plays A Single Possession
The rankings are final until preseason begins, when eight minutes of exhibition basketball will change everything.
LEAGUE LORE
Basketball Fan Solves GOAT Debate By Introducing Completely New Criteria Halfway Through Argument
The newly discovered category happens to favor the player he supported before the discussion began.
THE TIMELINE
Top-10 Player List Expands To 17 After Writer Refuses To Leave Anyone Out
Seven players are now tied for the final three spots in what remains officially a top 10.
THE CHEAP SEATS
Two Fanbases Enter Fourth Consecutive Day Of Argument Neither Side Can Remember Starting
The dispute has expanded to championships, attendance, city quality, weather, and several unrelated draft picks.
THE TIMELINE
NBA Player’s Entire Season Reduced To One Screenshot Taken During Bad Possession In November
The image has now outperformed 2,400 minutes of actual basketball as evidence of who he is.
THE TIMELINE
Fan Deletes Detailed Statistical Argument After Reply Saying “You Don’t Know Ball” Gets 18,000 Likes
Four charts, nine sources, and 600 words were defeated by a sentence requiring no supporting evidence.
THE CHEAP SEATS
Fan Announces “I’ve Seen Enough” 3 Minutes And 42 Seconds Into Rookie’s First Preseason Game
The rookie completed one jumper, one assist, and enough basketball to settle the franchise’s next decade.