SACRAMENTO — After years of searching for a system everyone in the organization could successfully run, the Sacramento Kings have reportedly found one: making fun of the Sacramento Kings.
According to Zach Lowe, Kings owner Vivek Ranadivé recently turned a dinner involving players, coaches and executives into a roast, joking about the various ways the organization has failed.
Sources confirmed it was immediately the most coordinated team activity Sacramento has produced in years.
“Spacing was excellent,” one attendee said. “Timing was sharp. Everybody knew exactly where the mistakes were coming from.”
Ranadivé reportedly worked through several areas of organizational disappointment while the room laughed nervously and tried to determine whether participation counted as constructive criticism or an exit interview.
Kings staff were particularly impressed by the consistency.
“For once, we identified a weakness and attacked it repeatedly,” one executive said. “Usually we identify a weakness and trade three second-round picks for another guard.”
Coaches reportedly praised the dinner afterward, noting that Sacramento finally demonstrated accountability, communication and the ability to finish something before everyone became confused about whose responsibility it was.
The organization is now considering incorporating the roast into regular team activities. Film session will be replaced by stand-up. Scouting meetings will include a two-drink minimum. And every failed fourth quarter will conclude with the owner approaching a microphone and saying, “So what exactly was the plan there?”
The Kings remain uncertain how any of this translates to winning basketball. For one evening, however, everyone was on the same page. Unfortunately, the page was roasting the Kings.
