SUPERSTAR CORNER

Expectations, leadership, signature products and everything that becomes your responsibility once you’re The Guy.

Satirical Raptors practice-facility scene with Kawhi Leonard standing stoically while staff enthusiastically point out different areas of the building.

SUPERSTAR CORNER

Raptors Spend First Practice Reminding Kawhi Where Everything Is

Toronto’s reunion began with a detailed facility tour, an updated Wi-Fi password and several reminders that the basket is still in roughly the same place.

Satirical editorial image of Jayson Tatum carrying exactly six basketballs during a Boston practice while coaches look on.

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Celtics Ask Jayson Tatum to Carry Slightly More After Jaylen Brown Trade, Hand Him Six Basketballs

Boston insists Tatum’s job is basically unchanged, provided he can score, create, rebound and carry several objects at once.

Satirical fictional basketball superstar at an extravagant product-launch press event while insisting the focus is only winning.

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NBA Superstar Confirms He Is Still “Just Focused On Winning” While Launching Seventh Signature Product This Week

The new beverage, sneaker, documentary, app, and fragrance are all apparently part of staying locked in.

Satirical fictional medical staff treating the middle of the week like an official basketball injury designation.

SUPERSTAR CORNER

Team Announces Star Will Miss Tonight’s Game Due To “General Awareness Of Wednesday”

Medical staff stressed that nothing is specifically wrong, but Wednesday has been unusually present all day.

Satirical fictional basketball player being theatrically elevated from underrated to disrespected celebrity status.

SUPERSTAR CORNER

NBA Player Quietly Rebrands From “Underrated” To “Disrespected” After Third Straight National TV Game

The personal-brand adjustment reflects increased exposure without any reduction in grievance.