AUSTIN, Texas — Humanity achieved an unprecedented victory Friday night when Houston Rockets guard Amen Thompson successfully rejected an alien at the rim without assistance from NASA, the Pentagon, or a single government-funded defense program.
The extraterrestrial in question was Victor Wembanyama, San Antonio's 7-foot-4 basketball phenomenon, who attempted a game-tying layup with less than a second remaining.
Thompson, standing nine inches shorter and possessing no known military clearance, jumped up and blocked it.
The Rockets won 114–110.
For decades, scientists have warned that humanity might be unprepared for contact with an advanced extraterrestrial civilization. Apparently, they forgot to account for a 6-foot-7 shooting guard with a 40-inch vertical.
"We've spent billions studying how to defend Earth against superior beings," a fictional Pentagon spokesperson admitted. "Houston figured it out with man-to-man coverage."
Wembanyama finished with 25 points and 13 rebounds, demonstrating that Earth's defenses remain vulnerable for approximately 47 minutes and 59 seconds.
Thompson contributed 20 points, 10 rebounds, and two blocks, including the first recorded instance of an alien discovering that human airspace is not entirely unrestricted.
NASA reportedly requested footage of the rejection, hoping to understand how an ordinary human managed to intercept something with an eight-foot wingspan without launching a single missile.
Alperen Şengün added 29 points, while Kevin Durant scored 20, helping Houston improve to 2–0 as San Antonio dropped to 0–2.
Following the game, fictional military analysts recommended redirecting portions of America's space-defense budget toward Thompson's next contract.
Wembanyama, meanwhile, is expected to continue his mission on Earth, where he remains taller than nearly everyone and has now identified at least one credible threat.
**Humanity spent 70 years preparing for an alien invasion. Turns out the entire planet could have been defended by Amen Thompson rotating over from the weak side.**
