← HOOPS SCIENCEHOOPS SCIENCE

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Wingspans, verticals, conditioning, recovery and serious scientific investigation involving extremely large humans.

Satirical Miami backyard scene showing Giannis Antetokounmpo in Heat No. 34 recoiling from a large iguana beside a swimming pool.

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Giannis Antetokounmpo Refuses to Guard Iguana After Discovering It Has Excellent Lateral Quickness

Miami’s newest star has discovered that South Florida contains at least one defensive assignment Milwaukee never prepared him for.

Satirical basketball scene of LeBron James in Philadelphia No. 23 facing a personified Father Time carrying a scythe and hourglass in a one-on-one matchup.

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SOURCES: LeBron James Officially Stops Fighting Father Time, Begins Treating Him as Rival

Father Time remains undefeated. LeBron has requested a rematch.

Satirical Hornets training-room scene with Kon Knueppel and Grant Williams receiving matching hamstring examinations.

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Hornets Discover Both Kon Knueppel and Grant Williams Have Hamstrings, Immediately Lose Access to Them

Charlotte’s preseason plan has been updated to include locating everyone else’s hamstrings before anything happens to those too.

Satirical realistic image of a powerful basketball player undergoing detailed body-composition testing in a high-tech performance laboratory.

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Study Finds Zion Williamson’s Offseason Transformation Has Now Become Annual Scientific Event

Researchers say the yearly cycle of gym photos, body-composition analysis and ‘best shape of his life’ reports is now predictable enough to chart.