SAN ANTONIO — Victor Wembanyama opened the NBA season Tuesday by recording six blocks and shooting 1-for-13 against Oklahoma City, apparently deciding the most dangerous offensive player on the floor was Victor Wembanyama.
The Spurs star finished with 12 points, 13 rebounds, and six blocks in a 116–104 loss. His only basket came on a De'Aaron Fox alley-oop at the end of the third quarter, after 12 consecutive misses and what team officials described in an entirely fictional report as "a remarkably successful defensive assignment."
"We asked Victor to protect the rim," one imaginary Spurs assistant explained. "Nobody specifically told him to stop protecting it when he had the ball."
Oklahoma City helped. Seven-foot-three rookie Aday Mara blocked one of Wembanyama's alley-oop attempts, briefly demonstrating that the Thunder also employed people capable of defending him.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander scored 32 points, while Jared McCain buried six three-pointers, providing Oklahoma City with a revolutionary offensive strategy: actually making shots.
Wembanyama's six blocks proved his defensive instincts remained elite. His 1-for-13 shooting suggested those instincts had somehow followed him to the other end.
San Antonio's fictional coaching staff is now considering separate practice sessions for Offensive Victor and Defensive Victor, with strict instructions that neither is allowed to guard the other.
The Spurs reportedly remain optimistic that both versions can eventually coexist.
The Thunder won the game. Victor Wembanyama won his matchup. Unfortunately, his matchup was Victor Wembanyama.
