NEW YORK — With another generation of NBA stars firmly established, league officials have begun the delicate process of identifying basketball’s next universally recognized face, only to discover that fans have already rejected every available candidate for highly specific reasons.
Victor Wembanyama is too tall and therefore apparently unfair. Luka Dončić complains too much. Anthony Edwards talks too much. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander shoots too many free throws. Nikola Jokić does not appear sufficiently interested in becoming the face of anything that cannot be fed an apple.
League researchers initially believed the solution would be simple: identify one of the best and most popular basketball players alive, place him in nationally televised games and wait.
They had not accounted for the internet.
Each candidate has accumulated dedicated supporters, dedicated critics and at least one 47-post argument explaining why his style of basketball represents a threat to the moral fabric of the sport.
Executives briefly considered allowing several stars to share the role before learning that the phrase “face of the league” legally requires fans to spend six months ranking people.
The NBA remains optimistic. “There’s incredible young talent everywhere,” one fictional league official said. “Eventually the fans will embrace somebody.”
The official was then shown social media. League officials are now considering extending LeBron James’ responsibility for another five years without informing him.
