BOSTON — The Celtics are reportedly preparing for a future in which newly signed players may be issued fractions, decimals and possibly light algebra after the franchise acknowledged it is rapidly running out of jersey numbers.
The concern resurfaced after Boston joked that it has retired so many numbers there is barely any room left in the rafters and, more importantly, almost nothing left for actual living players.
According to fictional team sources, basketball operations recently held a closed-door presentation featuring prototype uniforms labeled 1/2, 3.5, 7 1/4 and 11.5.
'We’ve already taken most of the good integers,' one made-up Celtics executive explained. 'At some point somebody is going to have to be No. 4.75 and just trust the process.'
Several players reportedly stared at the presentation board in silence before asking whether the league even allows fractions on official jerseys.
Team staff are said to be evaluating several emergency options, including negative numbers, Roman numerals and letting two-way players share the same whole number if they promise not to check in together.
One future rookie has allegedly already been informed that No. 8 is unavailable but 8.2 remains technically open.
The Celtics insist they have no plans to stop honoring franchise legends, meaning the situation will only become more mathematically unstable over time.
'What are we supposed to do, not retire a number because we might need it for a backup wing in 2042?' one fictional staffer asked.
League officials are monitoring the situation but have not yet ruled on whether repeating decimals would create a uniform violation.
Boston, meanwhile, has begun preparing for the inevitable.
The organization’s internal projection for the 2038 starting lineup currently includes Nos. 3/4, 11.5, square root of 16 and one player simply listed as pi.
