ONE OF THOSE GAMES
Wizards-Pistons Preseason Fight Features Record Number of Players Asking to Be Held Back
A meaningless exhibition briefly becomes the Eastern Conference finals of looking extremely ready to fight while being restrained.
The Night Shift
Late-game filings and overnight basketball damage, collected in one place.
ON AIR
Ben Simmons Hits Step-Back Fadeaway in Preseason, Colin Cowherd Immediately Tells LeBron, “We’re Good Bro. You Can Go. Ben Simmons Is Here.”
One preseason jumper travels roughly 14 feet through the air and approximately 11 years through the internet.
STATISTICAL ANOMALIES
Alperen Şengün Records Triple-Double in 22 Minutes, Rockets Ask Him to Leave Something for Regular Season
Houston politely asks its All-Star center to stop finishing entire box scores before the fourth quarter exists.
THE ARCHIVES
Russell Westbrook Retires, NBA Stat Keepers Finally Allowed to Delete Triple-Double Calculator Shortcut
After 18 seasons, official scorers are reportedly learning how to spend an evening without checking whether somebody has nine rebounds.
MORAL VICTORIES
Magic Announce Goal of Reaching Second Round, Organization Unveils Previously Unused Calendar Dates
Orlando has prepared for postseason growth by locating a mysterious portion of the schedule labeled May.
CRUNCH TIME
Cavaliers Assemble Another 55-Win Team, Ask Everyone to Please Stop Mentioning May
Cleveland is delighted to discuss October through April. All subsequent calendar questions have been referred to legal.
STAT LINE DEPARTMENT
Luka Hits Impossible Three, Adds Technical Foul to Complete the Box Score
Luka Dončić scored 23 points in 25 minutes, hit an absurd one-legged three from near half court, then picked up a technical foul to complete the full Luka experience.
ONE OF THOSE GAMES
Embiid Survives Scary Collision With Jaylen Brown, Sixers Fans Age Another Seven Years
Joel Embiid hit the floor in a frightening collision with Jaylen Brown and Philadelphia briefly experienced all five stages of grief before he got back up.
LEAGUE LORE
Kings Owner Turns Team Dinner Into Roast, Sacramento Finally Finds Something Everyone Can Execute
Vivek Ranadivé reportedly roasted the Kings’ failures at a team dinner, finally giving Sacramento a system everyone could execute together.
WHISTLE BUSINESS
NBA Referees Complete Preseason Training, Confirm They Will Still Need Everyone to Stop Yelling at Them
Officials say the annual seminar covered positioning, communication and the unrealistic dream of a quiet arena.
STAT LINE DEPARTMENT
Suns Commit 26 Turnovers, Analytics Department Confirms That Is Too Many
Phoenix reportedly needed a full statistical review before concluding the ball should perhaps have been given away less often.
CASH CONSIDERATIONS
NBA Releases Guide Explaining Where to Watch Games, Accidentally Produces 47-Page Subscription Manual
The league says the modern viewing experience remains simple, assuming fans enjoy flowcharts, passwords and platform triage.