NEW YORK — The NBA's ambitious plan to reduce on-court confrontations ended Wednesday when newly appointed Director of Conflict Resolution Draymond Green was suspended 94 seconds into his introductory press conference.
Commissioner Adam Silver announced the appointment, explaining that Green's extensive experience with technical fouls, ejections, and disciplinary hearings made him uniquely qualified to understand the league's biggest problem.
"Draymond has been involved in nearly every type of NBA conflict," Silver said in a fictional statement. "We felt it was time he experienced them from an administrative perspective."
Green opened his remarks by promising to bring accountability, professionalism, and mutual respect to the league.
Then a reporter asked whether his own disciplinary history might present a conflict of interest.
Green immediately received a technical foul.
"That's a ridiculous question," Green shouted, pointing at the reporter. "You clearly don't understand basketball."
A second technical followed when Green demanded the reporter be investigated for instigating the confrontation.
Security escorted the league's new peacekeeping director from the podium as Silver quietly removed his nameplate.
According to fictional league documents, Green had already developed a comprehensive conflict-resolution strategy featuring mandatory meditation, improved communication, and a provision allowing him to personally determine whether someone deserved to be shoved.
The NBA's disciplinary committee reviewed the incident and issued a five-game suspension, noting that Green had somehow violated the league's code of conduct before receiving his employee identification badge.
Green has reportedly appealed the decision, accusing the disciplinary committee of escalating an entirely avoidable situation.
**The NBA hired Draymond Green to end unnecessary confrontations. His first official act was starting one with Human Resources.**
