Still Got It
Michael Jordan Continues Setting NBA Records Through Clothing He Wore 28 Years Ago
Jordan adds another record without playing, shooting or doing anything more strenuous than having worn a jersey in 1998.
League Memo
League-office paperwork, rule changes, fines, formats and executive nonsense filed as one running memo.
Rules Nobody Asked For
Adam Silver Announces Smart Ball, Coaches Immediately Ask If It Can Challenge Calls
The NBA puts a chip in the basketball and coaches immediately ask the only question that matters: does it know who touched it last?
THE FORMAT LAB
Russell Westbrook Wants to Carry Olympic Torch, Refuses to Pass It
LA28 organizers love the idea. They are less certain about the handoff portion of the ceremony.
THE ARCHIVES
Russell Westbrook Retires, NBA Stat Keepers Finally Allowed to Delete Triple-Double Calculator Shortcut
After 18 seasons, official scorers are reportedly learning how to spend an evening without checking whether somebody has nine rebounds.
FOUL & ORDER
Draymond Green Enrolls in NBA Fine Department AutoPay Ahead of Opening Night
The Warriors veteran is reportedly hoping to streamline the administrative side of his usual season routine.
WHISTLE BUSINESS
NBA Referees Complete Preseason Training, Confirm They Will Still Need Everyone to Stop Yelling at Them
Officials say the annual seminar covered positioning, communication and the unrealistic dream of a quiet arena.
WHISTLE BUSINESS
NBA Orders Referees to Call Push-Offs, 30 Starting Guards Request Definition of Personal Space
The league’s new point of emphasis has reportedly alarmed ballhandlers who had grown attached to a little forearm-based freedom.
DRAFT BUSINESS
NBA Draft Analysts Agree 2027 Has No Clear No. 1 Pick, Immediately Publish No. 1 Pick
Scouts say the class is wide open, which apparently means everyone already knows exactly who should go first.
THE ARCHIVES
NBA Introduces 24-Second Clock in 1954, Players Horrified to Learn Possessions Must Eventually End
The league’s new device has reportedly shocked an entire generation that preferred taking all evening to decide on one shot.
CASH CONSIDERATIONS
NBA Releases Guide Explaining Where to Watch Games, Accidentally Produces 47-Page Subscription Manual
The league says the modern viewing experience remains simple, assuming fans enjoy flowcharts, passwords and platform triage.
HOOPS TECH
NBA Gives Basketball Bluetooth So It Can Finally Tell Referees What Actually Happened
The league is testing smart basketballs and referee wearables, finally giving replay review another device to consult before everyone keeps arguing anyway.
SUPERSTAR CORNER
NBA Begins Search For Next Face Of League, Discovers Fans Hate Every Candidate For Different Reason
The league has several obvious superstar candidates and approximately one objection for every basketball fan online.