The Sacramento Kings have signed Ben Simmons, immediately announcing that the upcoming season will take place in a supportive, completely judgment-free basketball environment.
Fans have been instructed not to discuss shooting percentages, previous seasons, postseason possessions or anything else that could be interpreted as “bringing up old stuff.”
“We’re starting fresh,” the organization reportedly said. “Extremely fresh. Ideally with no internet access.”
Simmons’ arrival gives Sacramento another intriguing playmaker and gives basketball social media approximately six months of prepared material before opening night.
Within minutes of the move, fans had already begun posting workout clips, comeback predictions and grainy footage of Simmons making jump shots in an otherwise empty gym.
Several commenters described him as “looking different this year,” continuing one of basketball’s longest-running summer traditions.
Kings supporters are now divided between cautious optimism and the much more entertaining belief that Sacramento has secretly unlocked an All-Star.
One fan reportedly watched 14 seconds of offseason footage before announcing that “people forgot who this dude was.”
The organization is encouraging patience.
Simmons is expected to contribute defense, passing and versatility while the team works to determine exactly how much optimism is legally permitted before preseason.
For now, Sacramento is simply asking everyone to keep an open mind.
And under absolutely no circumstances pull up old playoff clips.
