NEW YORK — The NBA has announced that officials will place greater emphasis on offensive push-offs and football-style screening this season, forcing several teams to begin the difficult process of determining which parts of their offense are technically basketball.
League officials reportedly spent the offseason reviewing possessions in which ballhandlers created six feet of separation with their off arm and screeners briefly transformed into pulling guards.
The conclusion was troubling.
“Apparently you’re not supposed to just move the defender,” one fictional assistant coach said.
Teams have already begun adjusting.
Star wings were seen practicing dribble moves without extending a forearm into someone’s chest, while several big men were introduced to the radical screening concept of standing in approximately one place.
Progress has been slow.
One center reportedly asked coaches how he was supposed to free a shooter if he could no longer shuffle sideways through three defenders like an offensive lineman protecting the quarterback.
Officials explained that this was precisely the issue.
The league also clarified that normal contact remains part of basketball and that not every screen or use of the off arm will become an automatic whistle.
Players reportedly stopped listening after hearing “whistle.”
Training camps across the league are now dedicating valuable practice time to relearning legal separation, stationary screens and other ancient fundamentals previously believed to exist only on coaching DVDs.
The NBA hopes the emphasis will create cleaner offense.
Half the league is simply asking for a few weeks to install it.
