THE SIDELINES
Anthony Edwards Welcomes LaMelo Ball to Minnesota, Immediately Refuses to Let Him Drive
Minnesota’s new backcourt is already clicking, provided nobody asks Anthony Edwards to get in the passenger seat.
LEAGUE AFFAIRS
THE SIDELINES
Stephen A. Smith Begins Segment at Normal Volume, Producers Immediately Check Microphones
ESPN staff briefly feared a technical emergency after Stephen A. opened with what witnesses described as an indoor voice.
ROSTER CHAOS
SOURCES: Pistons Offer Jalen Duren One-Fifth of a Billion Dollars, Duren Asks What Else They Got
Detroit reportedly placed $200 million on the table. Jalen Duren responded like the table might have a second layer.
HOOPS SCIENCE
Lu Dort Begins Emotional Preparation for First Career Assignment Against SGA’s Ankles
Facing Shai for the first time apparently requires film study, emotional closure and several labeled tapes devoted entirely to ankles.
THE SIDELINES
NBA Announces Fans Can Watch Every Game With Just Six Subscriptions and One Cousin’s Password
The league says its new viewing experience is simpler than ever, assuming you have six subscriptions, three logins and a cooperative relative.
THE SIDELINES
ESPN Successfully Completes Annual ‘Make Everyone Angry in a Different Way’ Rankings
Every fanbase has found a different place on the list to take personally.
THE SIDELINES
NBA Opens Time Capsule From 2001, Finds 14 Mid-Range Jumpers And One Extremely Large Cell Phone
League archivists uncover a mysterious civilization from before podcasts, tracking data and same-game parlays.
THE SIDELINES
Offseason Debate Show Asks Whether Current Superstar Could Survive Era In Which Television Was Square
With no games to debate, television turns to the most important question in basketball: could modern stars survive standard-definition footage?
THE SIDELINES
NBA Analyst Announces Bold Offseason Prediction, Plans To Delete It By November
The prediction is fearless, definitive and safely scheduled to disappear before anyone starts checking receipts.
LEAGUE HQ
Commissioner Unveils Bold Plan To Monetize Remaining Unsponsored 14 Seconds Of Broadcast
The league says the remaining 14 seconds currently contain no sponsor, betting prompt or branded hydration opportunity.
LEAGUE HQ
Adam Silver Reminds Struggling Franchises That Hope Is Also Technically a Product
Winning is ideal. Until then, the league would like to remind everyone that optimism remains fully monetizable.
LEAGUE HQ
NBA Expansion Talks Heat Up, Seattle Fans Already Complaining About Rotation Of Players Who Don’t Exist Yet
Seattle has not received a team, roster or coach yet, but the minutes distribution is already unacceptable.
LEAGUE HQ
Timberwolves Hear They Could Move To Eastern Conference, Begin Packing Before NBA Finishes Sentence
Minnesota heard the word East and immediately started labeling boxes before anyone could explain the rest.
LEAGUE HQ
Adam Silver Announces NBA Will Test New Rule Where Everyone Just Agrees The Fourth Quarter Was Probably Fine
The league believes a shared commitment to moving on could reduce review time by nearly 100%.
LEAGUE HQ
NBA Introduces 14 New Rules Designed To Clarify Previous 11 Rules Nobody Understood
The updated rulebook is expected to be fully understood shortly before it is replaced again.
LEAGUE HQ
NBA Fines Player $35,000 For Facial Expression League Describes As “Potentially Sarcastic”
Officials determined the look lasted long enough to undermine confidence in league operations.
LEAGUE HQ
NBA Reassures Fans Gambling Has Not Changed The Game, Presented By Tonight’s Same-Game Parlay
The league delivered the message between two odds updates and a sponsored betting segment.
LEAGUE HQ
NBA Schedules Clippers-Wizards Game At 2:17 A.M. To Reach Previously Untapped Insomniac Market
League research identified millions of potential viewers currently awake for no good reason.
LEAGUE HQ
NBA Announces New All-Star Format Players Expected To Learn Approximately 40 Seconds Before Tipoff
The format includes teams, points, captains, targets, and at least one concept still being finalized.